“You are beautiful like demolition. Just the thought of you draws my knuckles white. I don’t need a god. I have you and your beautiful mouth, your hands holding onto me, the nails leaving unfelt wounds, your hot breath on my neck. The taste of your saliva. The darkness is ours. The nights belong to us.

Everything we do is secret. Nothing we do will ever be understood; we will be feared and kept well away from. It will be the stuff of legend, endless discussion and limitless inspiration for the brave of heart. It’s you and me in this room, on this floor. Beyond life, beyond morality. We are gleaming animals painted in moonlit sweat glow. Our eyes turn to jewels and everything we do is an example of spontaneous perfection.

I have been waiting all my life to be with you. My heart slams against my ribs when I think of the slaughtered nights I spent all over the world waiting to feel your touch. The time I annihilated while I waited like a man doing a life sentence. Now you’re here and everything we touch explodes, bursts into bloom or burns to ash. History atomizes and negates itself with our every shared breath. I need you like life needs life. I want you bad like a natural disaster. You are all I see. You are the only one I want to know.”

— Henry Rollins

Let that guilt trickle down your face and slit up your heart. It is much too late to help you now sweetie. Pavement smoothing out in front of you…Now, tell me again, does this horror leave you restless at nap-time?

You’re the not so sweet guy; the one with soft blue eyes; and lips so frail - they could pass for dust; the one never believed in what lullabies promised, terrible lies like true love and the reassurance that all the liar, liars burn in fire. You see in black and white. Truth is; I’m glad you can’t see in colors, because then you might finally realize that I’m too much for you to handle. Because if I tell you, you won’t believe me.

You were a streetlight in a starless city and because I had never seen a star, I thought you were beautiful. I wanted to watch you for the rest of my life, like judgment would fall in love with invincible walls; but I learned soon enough, you were just fire in a cage.

The truth is; I really feel nothing for you. I can throw it all away. Just watch me

No, you don’t know the first thing about me. And I can see how it bothers you when I slip; when I’m a little inconsistent. But you’re always asking, wondering who’s hiding beneath my skin. But let’s be honest, we know he’s not.

You are the crazy kind of beautiful; the free kind of sound waves that radiate from lies, infecting anyone who wants to be. Affecting anyone who wants to be. You live in the moment like you know you’re going to die, you don’t make any plans for the future like they tell you you should. And I like that.

Susanna: Declared healthy and sent back into the world. My final diagnosis: A recovered borderline. What that means, l still don’t know. Was l ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is. Crazy isn’t being broken or swallowing a dark secret. lt’s you or me, amplified. lf you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. lf you ever wished you could be a child forever. They were not perfect but they were my friends. And by the ’70s most of them were out living lives. Some l’ve seen… some, never again.but there isn’t a day my heart doesn’t find them.

How to make 3D paper stars

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-3D-Paper-Stars

I'm sure you have seen these adorable little stars on websites like flickr, weheartit, tumblr, etc. I always thought they were so adorable and wondered how to make them! Even though I should be doing my homework I decided to google it and find out.

This is my personal journey with ADD

There are numerous misconceptions about it. Does it even exist? Yes, it does. I know because I have it. When I was younger I had trouble in school, I didn’t know it at the time but I was absolutely unable to focus. I thought that I just wasn’t trying. But it was so much more than that. I got tested for ADD and they said that I definitely had it. I was so ashamed though. At my elementary school they have this program for children with learning disabilities, sometimes they get longer periods of time to write tests/quizzes, if the class is studying a novel the kids with learning disabilities will get books with bigger font, etc. I did NOT want to be identified with ADD because then I would have to be in that program, and then everyone would think I was so stupid. My mom begged and pleaded that I get identified, she didn’t want me to struggle anymore. But I told her absolutely not. So I almost failed grade 8.

Then I went to high school, and did pretty bad in grade 9 and 10. Through the whole time I was visiting my psychiatrist. He doesn’t prescribe people meds easily. He knew I had ADD, anxiety disorder, and depression for years before he prescribed me anything. So like half way through grade 10 I was about to have a nervous breakdown because I was in Academic math and it was sooo hard, I was struggling terribly. To make it worse, I was also going to a tutor twice a week. WIthout my tutor I would have never passed. But anywayy, I was about to have a nervous breakdown because I was under so much stress with school. I went to my psychiatrist appointment like usual and I told him how much I was struggling and everything, I had no idea it was linked to the ADD, I just thought I was stupid. I wasn’t telling him this so he would give me meds, I was just genuinely letting it all out. He prescribed me adderall, the lowest dose. At first I was so stubborn to take it, I was convinced that ADD wasn’t even real, I didn’t want to take the easy way out. I thought that only stupid people made up ADD as a shield. But I took them anyway. Things started changing after like a month, I could actually focus! It was sooooo weird. I had never actually realized how bad it really was! Then I went on a higher dosage, and omg I was a new person. I could actually carry a thought! I was actually able to pay attention in class! It was all so new to me. That semester I was honor roll with high 80’s and low 90’s, all in academic classes. So I went from 50’s and low 60’s in grades 9 and half of grade ten, but then honor roll the other half of grade 10 and all of grade 11. I was so proud of myself, I was working so hard. I was spending hours on my homework, because for the first time in my life I could actually focus. I would come home from school and work on my homework until bed, not even having a break for dinner.

I really am so thankful that someone invented this medication, and saved me. Where would I be if I didn’t have it? I have no idea. I totally changed my life too. It made me so much more motivated and realize I have so much potential. I also lost 25 lbs. I weighed 130 lbs at the beginning of grade 10, and then I dropped to 105 lbs! I had always had a problem with my weight, because I was unable to focus, I was always bored and I would just eat and eat and eat. Now that I can focus, I only eat when I am actually hungry. Now I’m actually a normal person.

So I just wanted to share my story, because I always judged people with ADD as stupid, or pathetic, or whatever. But thats the farthest thing that I am. ADD is actually real, its not just made up. Trust me.

If you read this whole thing, thank you so much. It means so much to me and all of the other people in the world with ADD.

2010 Memories

This girl has been my BFF for years. We were partners in crime. We have so many memories its insane. Esther and I are very alike. Both of us are extremely lazy, food is our passion in life, we are so sarcastic, our sense of humor is the exact same, we have to push ourselves to accomplish tasks, we always leave things until the last minute, and like I could just go on forever. I can't even count all the days at 8:00 AM I would receive a text from this woman saying "I'm still in bed..." to which I would reply, "me too...". Then we would walk our sorry late asses to school and I'd get you to forge a note for me. But all of that changed when at the end of August you moved. Honestly I didn't even know what to expect, you had lived across the street from me for so long it just didn't seem real to me that you weren't there anymore. School was so different without you this year, I missed you insanely. It just wasn't the same. I hate myself for letting us drift apart a little. But even if we don't talk for months, I know that I could just call you and it would feel like no time went by at all. Thats how good of friends we are. We don't need to constantly talk, because we just know we will always reunite. I love you so much.

These absolutely incredible people are my art friends. I call them that because I met them through art class. This year I really became friends with Carly, Mara and Jerrod. In grade 10 I had art with Carly and Mara and I don't think I said one word to them. Carly's locker was right beside mine that year and she told me she remembers me saying to her "your wearing stripes, plaid, and polka dots.". I don't recall saying that, but it sounds like something I would say, hahahaha! That just really makes me chuckle. Then in grade 11, in Ms. Bell's class, I was assigned to sit beside Carly, I was so intimidated by her because she is like an amazing artist! But then we became great friends and I told her all my secrets and we would laugh our asses off all class. Mara and Jerrod would move their seats over and sit at our table, along with Teresa and Esther. But then this semester Esther and Teresa are gone, so its just Carly, Mara, Jerrod, and I in painting and drawing together. These 3 people are honestly the most awesome people, the inspire me to the be the artist that I truly am. They know all of my weaknesses and strengths. I never thought I would be friends with people like them for some reason, but I am SO glad that I am.

2010 Memories

Volunteering at the Relay for Life at the end of grade 11 with Jerrod and Carine

Going to Shadow Lake with the Air Cadets, sharing a room with like grade 7's, cleaning the cabins and carrying furniture around, playing football in the freezing cold, then going cross country skiing. The cross country skiing was pretty hard and rigorous but I only fell once and had a total blast. I will definitely do it again!

When Shannon Clarke-Black was presenting her ISU in Anthropology, Sociology, and Psychology, her topic was abortion and she showed a movie where this girl was getting an illegal abortion done and I fainted and David Broda caught me, then handed me to Connor. How embarrassing.

In November all the art students went downtown to go see this play called 'Studies in Motion: the haunting of eadweard muybridge' which was so amazing. There were a lot of nude people in the play. Right at the beginning a bunch of nude men were dancing across the stage, I always wondered how a naked mans body looked when he moved and it was extremely weird at first. I was sitting beside Carine and Jerrod, and Carine and I couldn't stop giggling for the first 5 minutes. It made me really realize that the human body is the most beautiful thing in the world.

On my birthday Connor got me this really adorable coach purse and matching little wallet. I cried! I just didn't think at all he would have such good taste and know me so well.

Christmas Connor got me this adorable bracelet from Ben Moss, its kind of like a charm bracelet and it has a little key dangling on it, and the key has little hearts as the teeth. I cried when I got it. He also gave me a box of chocolates from Laura Secord, these chocolate caramel balls from Laura Secord, and an adorable pair of pajamas from La Vie en Rose that are powder pink and say 'dream' all over them in cursive. The top was too big though so I'm going to have to return it. But I loved my gifts and it made me realize how well he knows me.

In September this woman came into our visual arts class and we made shadow boxes. I did a field landscape with little flowers in the front. It is my first piece of artwork that I actually love! I want to make another one soon.

Connor and I went downtown in the fall and we went shopping in the Eatons Centre. We each bought to American Apparel sweatshirts. We went to this restaurant in the Eatons Centre called Mr Green Jeans and it was so good. This random woman was sitting beside us wearing sheepskin boots and decided to tell us her life story. She was a nut to say the least. I got my fettucini alfredo to go and I put it in my American Apparel bag, and on the train ride home we realized it spilled on the hood of my new sweatshirt! Oh well, it didn't stain. Oh and also on the train ride home, I was kissing and caressing Connors cheek, putting my hand under his sweatshirt, etc. and he was getting so embarrassed because people were watching. Later on he told me how turned on he was though and I know he totally loved it.

Connor and I were watching sex and the city in my family room and somehow we smashed heads so hard.

For moms work christmas party we went to the science center, and instead of dad coming Connor came. We went to the whale exhibit and the mythical creatures exhibit and one other one and thats it. We had a huge lunch/brunch as well. It was fun.